| (no subject) |
[Jul. 4th, 2005|12:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  curious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | guess | ] |
And...another amazing night follows..nights i keep wishing a can have more of!
And even better the night was preluded by an insanely great day with one of my best friends!
Ashley and i spent the WHOLE day togther...from about noon till 4am! We first met to get lunch in calabases, then we went to malibu to meet her sister, then we went to her sisters house, then went to thousand oaks, went shopping at Tillys..i went Volcom crazy! then we went back to her house, and got ready for such a great night.
Abby invited us to this party in ventura, they were going for their friends bday and they were also just gonna play in the backyard for their friends! we were nervous to go cuz it was a house party and we didnt know how comfortable that would be...but once we got there it was great! everyone there was so awesome, the band was rockin out in the back, and everyone was just chillin! After around 1 Abby Jeremy and Jesse came back to Ashleys house and we all just hung out till about 430 in the morning! and again im wow-ed by how greeat these people are, and how much fun it is to be around them...especially her! (:
So last night...i for sure learned something about myself, that ashley helped me realize. I never knew how fast i can build a wall to protect myself...how fast i can push someone away if i wanted to! its crazy...it wasnt even controlable.
I saw something i didnt like, not getting into detials...and the second i saw it my whole vibe changed! ashley pointed it out to me, and she was teling me to just ignore it, but i just couldnt, my wall was built...in TWO seconds. Good part is later i found out what happened so i got all stand offish for absolutly NO reason! lol...but thats a good thing, cuz now im back wihout that wall.
But it just amazed me how fast i can push myself away, even if i dont want to i still do! why do i do that? i know its part of the scaryness of getting hurt, cuz i dont want to get hurt, but when ash was taking to me she made sence, and i was tryng to take her advice, but my head just wouldnt let me~
anyway...yesterday was just great, last night was even better, everytime gets better and better...im excited...nervous...happy...scared!
i miss my bleeny! |
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| so good |
[Jul. 2nd, 2005|10:33 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | my thoughts | ] |
another amazing night... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 30th, 2005|10:33 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | mia | ] |
i have to update, just cuz i need this to be a memory noted! it cant be one that can go forgotten!
Last night Deazell and I went to monsoon, our favorite sushi place, and then went to watch Mia play on 3rd street. after we went with them to Barneys beanery and had some drinks, then me bleen, Abby and Jerememy decided to take a walk on the beach...and ya..wow...she is an amazing woman! it was so awesome to just get to talk to her, and get to know her, and know her for her and not just her music. and wow...wow...just so awesome. insane...she told me she liked me, she was attrected to me, we exchanged a few kisses, and it was just so great!
My sister and step dad got in a car accident about a week ago! it kills me to see my sister in pain...i know she is hurting, but i know she is srong and will be ok! I spent the day with her on sunday, it was so great! i love being around her, we just have so much fun! im so happy so close we have gotten!
I know she will be ok, just the healing process is going to take some time!
oh ya, last note...deazell films everything that ever happens for the most part, and its insane. we have about 8 videos of us aroundthe house, in the car, in the few hotels we have stayed in recently, our drunken night, and just anywhere else he can get us on camera. it drives me crazy, but then when we look back on the video, its pretty cool that we have so many of our journeys on tape! |
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| Saying Bye |
[Jun. 24th, 2005|01:45 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  mellow | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mia | ] |
Im ending my live journal...its was fun while it lasted, but im over it! Its so edited and fake and masked, you cant even see a piece of me through this!
If you want to know the real me, then try to (:
Peace! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 20th, 2005|11:30 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | waking up | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 50 cent | ] |
ok, so yesterday was fathers day
i spent the whole day with my dad, ingrid, and my grandma...we went o lunch at the Ivy, then went to our beach house. IT was the first time i have seen it furnished and it is fucking amazing, like the most amazing thing i have ever seen, it needs to be in a magazine! we walked around venice, i got some cute shitrs and my dad kept insisting that he bought me a "leo" tool! lol...it was so funny, so i one, its made out of a corona bottle. I had such a great time with my dad, i actaully feel like i have grown up enough and now understand my dad and ingrid enough to be around them, unlike when i was younger, i hated them. But yesterday was just so great, it was the first time i actually wasnt thinking about how much longer till i got to go home.
anyway, it was fun! good way to spend my one of my only days off work.
So, ya...i have to call rachel today and finally put an end to all this, again, i feel like im always doing this. i just want enjoy my summer, i dont want any strings attached! i just want to have fun!
why cant she just see that...why does she keep trying, its driving me crazy...just walk away, why is that so hard to do...it was fun while it lasted.period.end of story. |
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| here |
[Jun. 17th, 2005|01:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | telling deazell what to text | ] |
Ew some gross lesbian white trash nastyness at my work yesterday was hitting on me HARDCORE...she kept asking me to move to west virginia with her, and telling me i would never have to work, and that she has a 6 bedroom house and i could live on the other side of the house, so weird!
Went to Here last night after i got off work...Amber texted me and said i should go, cuz she was going...weird...hmmm...it was drama then fun. M had a room blocked off for her birthday, it was like a private party, i was great! IT made it so much better, it was like we all had room, and it wasnt crowded with gross people, just like a bunch of poeple you know. it was fun. Sunshine's girlfriend, Crystal, or now ex girlfriend i guess wanted to kick my ass, and was talking shit for abslutly no reason. she just knows she fucked up cuz she cheated in sunshine. fucking idiot.
but other wise it was fun...saw Suyen..lol...she is so weird. Sunshine was puking by the car and suyen walked by, and thought we were having car trouble and that sunshine was tryin to fix the tire..LOL
tonight bleeny and I are going to Rage...hopefully we can make it as great as pride!
im tired!
~~~ i wrote this insane piece! |
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| best pride ever! |
[Jun. 13th, 2005|02:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 50 cent | ] |
Ok, This weekend was LA PRIDE! friday bellener and i went out to RaGe! it was fun, i got hella drunk and had the worst hang over of my life! omg saturday was sooo miserable. I had to go to my cousins graduation and it was just hell. i slept througt he whole garduatin, then my famiy went to lunch, and i stayed in the car and slept some more! omg i threw up like 5 times, then i had to go to work, MISERABLE!
So then sat night i worked, and SUNDAY we went to PRIDE! our pride insane patying satrted at like 1 in the afternoon, we went to this new sushi restaurant in WeHo, and got hella drunk! thenw e went to pride, and walkd around, it sucked compared to LB...its was nothing, but we still had fun...saw Rach, said bye, then we met up with Drew and all his friends> Bleen and i got a hotel room, we had to , there was no way i would have lasted without one...drew and everyone came to our room, then they went to get dinner while bleeny and i took a nap beause we were hung over at 7pm...so sad. Then we woke up at 9, got drunk again, and walked to rage! Insane, actually we went to Mickys first, Bleen like drews friend, who by the way was so cute and so sweet, oh ay and had a "boyfriend" kinna.
whatever, bleen got in the middle of that shit, when we went to rage he totally was dancing with him the whole time. His "boyfriend" went over to the Abby and he stayed with bleenre and all us at Rage...hmmm wonder why! anyway i was so happy for him, i know that made my night, and it made mine too, well something else made my night too, Finally! fuck man! thanx for the motivating text bleen!
So Pride was UNBELIEVABLE!
I love my kitties!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 10th, 2005|12:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | mia | ] |
ok so i was dared...challenged...
The dare:
"Go away for one or two days, turn your cell phone off and just go for you, just go think, reminisce, think about the past up until now and nothing more. dont think about what you have to do the next day, dont stress about things that need to get done, just go for you. Turn your cell phone OFF, not on silent, not on viberate...power off."
"Stay an extra 5 minutes in the shower...after you do your thing in the shower, just aty an extra 5 minutes under the water. relax"
Why am i always so stuck in my head. why do i always go through these fucking circles with fucking everyone. i dont get it. Its me, im fucked in the head, im battling and trying to find out why i always do this and i have no answer. Why?
Why do i stress so much...you see what i cant, and you telling me makes me understand why i do, but the only thing is i dont know how to stop it, i dont know how to understand the concept of time, and patence. When i want something done i want it done right that second, i want to skip the phase of "getting there" or "building" i just want it done then. Example...the kittens...I book the appt. for them to get their shots before i even got them.
She said i know why you sleep so much...? why? "because its the only time your brain shuts down" thats so true, but then when i wake up from a good nap, im kicking myself in the ass because during that nap i could have been so productive. why do i run my head like a crzy woman, i know i preach to live in the momoent and im starting to think i never do that! or if i do its when im under the influence of something.
i miss...alot of things. Last night was a bundle of good and bad all in one. i dont know what to take it in...im still trying to figure it out, cuz what i felt then and what i feel now are so contradicting. its confusing the fucking hell out of me!
I am suppose to go mini golfing with Heather today, i dont want to, im gonna cal and cancel right now actually!
ok did that , now what?
kittys! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 10th, 2005|03:06 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mauli | ] |
I GOT TWO KITTIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kitty #1
Name: Nemo
Sex: Male
Color: black
Eyes: baby blue
Weight: not even a pound
Age: 7 weeks
SOOOOOOOO CUTEEEEEEE! Hyper Child
Kitty #2
Name: Piper
Sex: Female
Color: gray
Eyes: baby blue
Weight: not even a pound
Age: 7weeks
SOOOOOOOOOOO SWEET! Precious! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 8th, 2005|10:54 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | deazell complaining about how hung over he is | ] |
ok so why is it that when there is something taken away from someones life, they have to make this weird huge change, to like prove a point, or to do something different. i dont get it!its like a form of rebellion, and its so stupid, its pointless, why cant you just stay the same, why go back to some GROSS old habits, and do stupid shit, and try to prove even more stupid shit, i dont get it. poeple confuse me, just stay the same, i liked you that way! |
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| bleener is here |
[Jun. 6th, 2005|03:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | late for work | ] |
| [ | music |
| | MIA...mmm | ] |
Bleener is Here For Summer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAHOOO
If You Ever Thought We Partied Hard Before....WE Are About to Make History This Summer!! LOL
Especially with our new cool third room on the patio! (:
It only been 24 hours, and I have such a good feeling! |
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| what a week |
[May. 28th, 2005|12:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | MIA | ] |
WOW...ok so finally finals are over! im so happy to be out of school! but my stomach is still in knots! this week has just been so crazy, i still feel like the crazynesss is going on. i dont know!
thursday night was so much fun! it was great! so Kenny is a night manager at my work, and i told him i was going out to celebrate the fact that finals are over, and that i wanted to get a room! so he, being the amazing guy that he is, just handed me a key and said have fun! it was so nice, he gave me the room for free! so we went to HERE perties of course, and the woke up the next day walked around hollywood for a little, then went home. and off to work i went again!
so many people at Here...i didnt even know i knew that many fucking lesbians. it seemed like every corner i turned someone was saying my name. i saw Alana of course, the first fuckin person i see whenever i go...this time she came up and gave me a hug, she is so weird, it was this big warming hug, and like this "how are you" trying to be all sweet...eww get off me you dirty whore! I saw Heather, i havent seen her for a while, i missed her! sunshine, and her nasty girlfriend, em, michelle, el, charlene, ro, monica, alex, and more, i dont remember who! fuckin lesbians (:
i cant belive how much they have me working. its ridiculous! 5 to 6 night a week, its bullshit! when i was hired, i was told 3 MAYBE 4. if this doesnt change im saying somthing, i cant work this much, my body is drained. I have money now and i cant even enjoy it! i dont even have time to go get fuckin grocerys!
anyway, today has already been crazy and its only 1!
wow...i cant belive it! im torn but so happy, so now what! Bleener, i know that you know me, and i needed to hear what you told me! im scared!
I miss MIA, i wanna see them play again! i need to see them play again!
i love you Deazell! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 23rd, 2005|12:35 pm] |
ok so LONG BEACH PRIDE!
AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
omg, bleener and i left at 2:30 on friday and got back sunday(last night)and it was just insane! i dont think im drinking for a long time...ok...well till thursday cuz thats a whole new celebration with school being done! but anyway, newylweds HARDCORE! omg, so we got there did our thing, had dinner went to the blue and white party..kind of. Stole a paddle boat at 1 in the morning, in this pond. we saw my lesbain god mother randomly off our balcony as she was walking to her restaurant which was attached to our hotel, so weird, so she bought us some drinks! thats just half of everything. we saw wayyyyyy to many people we knew. like 5 with in the first 5 seconds we walked iN! eww AJ was hitting on me... what ?!?!! saw heather and karen, and the bitch alana! and so many other people! so i think i gained about 10 pounds of alcohol, i think im sunburned as all hell, and my ear hurts! and my body HATES me! but its ok!
so now i have finals and work...great! i just need summer to be here like right now! |
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| stress |
[May. 19th, 2005|01:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | nada | ] |
omg, i am sooooooooo stressed its absolutly insane! i dont even know how to handle it! and on top of all of this shit...
Last night i was putting away the dishes, and i tried, like an idiot to carry to many glasses, and i was trying to do it fast, and i broke one of the glasses! it shattered everywhere and flew everywhere...now i have a huge cut on my wrist that makes me look suicidal, that i almost had to get stiches in at 1 in the morning, a little little cut on my face, a cut on my finger, and a cut on the inside of my hand...just fucking great! Now my wrist hurts like a bitch, i couldnt sleep last night cuz i was in so much pain, and now i can barely pick up anything heavy or write, AND i have to go to work tonight! mother fuckin great! what the hell, who is out ot get me!
AHHH...omg, i think this is the worst semester of my life! i cant believe this shit, i shock myself, and am so pissed at myself because i really am the only one i can blame! Im just a mess...so many tests, so many things to do, and fuckin work has me working so much because of course what better timing for our other fuckin bartender to go get surgury then RIGHT NOW...and who gets to cover her shifts...oh ya that would be me! ahh
Ok i really just want to be able to go to ,ong beach this weekend and not think about anything! ANYTHING! im soo excited to go, but i cant feel the excitment yet cuz im so stressed...help!
I know after work today i hope i will feel better! then i can just pack and go!
NEWLYWEDS HARDCORE...THE WHOLE FUCKING TRIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just look at it as a pre celebration for summer! haha
cant wait to go with my bleeny bleen!
ok so for school...hmm, i need to:
study j400. get the copies of the cases i dont have.
i can study tonight at work
then study the rest on monday i guess, fuck me i work monday..OF COURSE!
Tues i can study for 250 and geol...and i PROBABLY work
wed study for geol and soc..again PROBABLY work
Thurs...take my mother fucking tests and BE DONE! oh ya and probably work!
damn, i cant wait for summer! |
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| lol |
[May. 18th, 2005|02:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | ecstatic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mia...fuck she is hott | ] |
You know...im just gonna laugh!
people love to make me out to be the bastard...It always my fault, and if it makes it easier that way then fine, its my fault! ok that better! Im ok with saying that because i know what happened, i know in my head how i feel and nothing can change that! so everyone in the world can look at me as the bad guy and everyone can give me the evil eye...its fine! As long as i have my true friends behind my back then thats all that matters, and as long as i have my BEST friend with me no matter what, then i can take any shit from anyone! Even with no one behind my back i can take it...so hate me, love me, look at me in disgust, or just respect me...its really your choice and your opinion means shit to me!
~~~~~~~~~~~
Bleener i am so happy for you! that was one of the best things that could have happened to you! Im SOOOOOOOOOOo happy for you, and so proud of you and i hope this makes things so much better an easier for you! i know it will! i promise it will! Im so happy you let me stay in the car to hear all that, thank you!
LOL...it made me cry! And it made me so happy to see the tears in your eys cause i know how much that meant to you! Congrats!
I LOVE YOU strangie wierdie!!!!!!!!! |
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| omg! |
[May. 17th, 2005|01:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the thoughts in my head | ] |
ok so, listen...this makes sence i swear!
We fight all the time, things were great, like everything is when they start, somtimes they stay great sometimes they crumble. we crumbled, then we took a break to put ourselves back together, and we did. things were good again...then we crumbled again, how many times can we go in our circles, its not healthy! do you realize that we fought everyday, every fucking day! do you know how bad that is, so you know how miserable it is. people dont want to be around us cuz all we did was fight. ignore the reasons for the fighting for one second, because really there were NO VALID REASONS! THATS THE PROBLEM. i cough wrong, i look at someone wrong, i joke the wrong way and im fucked, here we go fighting...it became normal, thats so sad, thats so not good! thats so not healthy. why would i want to be back in that situation. we tried one time to fix it, that was our chance Its nothing YOU did wrong, its the both of us, our views changed, we changed, we just dont compliment eachother the way we use too. and i dont think we can gain that back. stop looking so much in the past from when things first started, we are at completely diferent places from then, you cannt look back at that, its so differnt, we have grown, we have experienced, and ultimalty we have changed.
i cant walk on egg shells, i cant do it. i had to do it with sunshine, and i can t do it again. i cant be held back. i have so much ahead of me and i cant let anyone stop me from achievig the life and goals i want to achieve. if you think this sounds selfish then im sorry, i dont mean to be, but right now im creating my future, and i really cant let anything or anyone stop me. I need to live life to the fullest, i need to take in every moment, and i need to be completely free with whoever im with, no egg shells, no caution, just me. I want to go out with my friends with no guilt, i want to experience things with everyone all the time, and sometimes i feel like i cant. I need you to see where im coming from. and these things that i want you should want too! you should want the freedom, the experiences.
this makes sence to me, i dont know if it does to you. im not giving up, im seeing the reality of all this. and its that we changes, and its a change that cant be changed back, because its a change that is a step toward our future, and we can change to go back to the past. I care about you so much, if you think i dont then all this means nothing, if you really think i dont then im done even tyring to esplain where i am coming from. if i didnt care i wouldnt try to explain this to you! i have been battling with my thought and feeling tryng to make sence of this break, thats why i havet said much, but i am seeing now. i am! you getting mad at me, upset me me, and pressuring me just makes things worse. why do that...do you not want me to really seriously think things thorugh cuz when you pressure me like that, thats how it feels. you arent giving me the time i needed. thats not fair.
i hope this helps you understand where i am coming from and why all this is happening. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 20th, 2005|04:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | jesser | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mia | ] |
so nervous, ok so tomorrow is my first day as a real actually bartender puring drinks and all! im scared! i know i know my shit, but its a whole new world i have to learn about...crazy!
i cant believe i actually to this job and so fast. . .
im stoked, im gonna kick ass...eww but my uniform is soo ugly..white button up shirt and black slacks with black tennis shoes and soon they are getting me a black vest...lesbian much (:
Saturday we are going on a field trip for our Geol class, if its hott, im going to die and be in the worst mood. and then bleener will be in a bad mood to cuz the heat then we will just kill eachother..lol...
ok, looking up recipes for tonight...we are celebrating...(not for my bartending (: |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 16th, 2005|01:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | inspired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | MiA | ] |
omg, im writing in my LJ crazy i know!
Im listing to MiA right now...i cant express how much i fucking love this band...amazing! On the website they have this jam session they did, and it soo good, and thier new song is soo good!
On wed, jess bleener and i went to go see them and it was amazing! the power went out, and they had no sound but still managed to fuckin kick ass acoustic style! so awesome, i cant wait for them to have more gigs! hopefully that will be soon!
check em out! www.fearmia.com!
ps....she is fucking hott!!!!!!!!!
ok, so this job searching thing is interesting. im actually scared to actualy get behind a real bar and make real drinks...no more food cooring and water. thats just crazy, but i wnat to start now!
i still cant believe i graduated, i think about it everyday cuz sometimes i forget how hard i wored to do this and now im done, i did it, and i did it even better then i expected myself to! i nerver expected that out of myself wich just makes it that much fucking better! and im going to brag!
I am the first girl in five years to graduate on their first attempt on the speed test!
speed test- make 12 flawless drinks in 7 min flat! (mine came out to about 15 drinks in 6:31!!!!!!!! wahoo!
so ya life is good, i guess. friendships, well i have the best friend anyone could ever ask for. sunshine is finally seeing/accepting me as a friend, i actually think she is not just looking at me as her (evil) ex anymore...so thats a good thing, i have jess! i have my family! and the amaing people i met at bartending school! no room for complaints! oh except for the fact that school is over in a month and i have not done anything the whole semester that is school oriented. i dont even think i have opened a book, only to do Hypos! oops! ill graduate in like 10 years..haha~ |
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22babyblue22's journal
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